... When we were in the car, just having returned from the doctor. We heard it. My sweet girl asked me what *that* noise was. And I lied to her. I couldn't tell her what I thought it really was, what I was afraid it was, what it turned out to be. The kids in the playground at the school were quickly ushered back into their school. I hurried us in the house. We waited. Then the sirens started. And they didn't stop for a long time. People slowly eventually left their shelters again and whispered about what went wrong. It took hours to finally hear the truth. By then the helicopter had come and gone and the police officer had been in surgery for most of that time. He had been shot during a routine traffic stop. In my neighborhood.
I never wanted to have to figure out if was safer to stay put in the car or brave the open air for a run to the house. I never wanted to lie to my girl - but how do you explain a gunshot to a 3 year old? I don't want it. Take it back.
It's strange. My safe place wasn't safe for me today. It let me down. I feel vulnerable, and not in a life-giving, heart-sharing way. Vulnerable. Exposed. Betrayed.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Friday, February 22, 2013
The In-Between
It's official. Barring any unforseen circumstance (this *is* the military we're talking about), we've got orders to Hawai'i. My heart is happy. I really love that place. I mean, really, do you know anyone else who looks for a halau (hula school) in TENNESSEE and finds one? My Pinterest boards are half in Hawaiian so I can practice the 'olelo (language). My kids each have a Hawaiian first or middle name. I have some connection to Hawai'i that I just can't fully explain.
We had been in Hilo, on the Big Island (the Island of Hawai'i) before, and this time will be in Honolulu, on the island of O'ahu (the one with Waikiki and Pearl Harbor).
I'm really excited. It's far from family :( It has a lot of accompanying paperwork :( and has a lot of natural disasters that could happen :( But I think it'll be really good for us. Plus, the job for Hubby will be better both career-wise and work-life-wise (that is military speak for it might have semi-regular hours).
But what to do now? It feels too early to do many goodbyes - to friends, to experiences, to even winter for a month or two... It is too early to look for rental houses, any available now most likely won't be available later. We are hoping to live on one part of the island, so I'm wondering if I should start researching preschools in the area and hula schools and churches. Cough, I might already know where the nearest Starbucks is, cough. But if we don't live there, we could live 45 minutes away. Do I just make up spreadsheets of various scenarios? You know, in my free time?
Well, I suppose now I'll just work on the paperwork for the kids and I - we're known as DEPENDENTS in the military. Gee, thanks, military. And I'll try to figure out when to ship out our car (it'll take 30ish days?), and when to have the movers come and pack up our stuff (probably will take 30 days too?). I have never minded moving in the past. Hubs and I have lived out of suitcases for 6 weeks before without batting an eye. But this move is different. WE HAVE TWO KIDS. Lu'au asks us every day if "the men (aka movers) will take her beach shovel and sand toys to Hawai'i" or if we'll take her bed, her dresser, her dollhouse, her walls, her room... and I sometimes wonder if we're crazy. Then again, if we have to move, it might as well be to Hawai'i, right?
One thing I'm also trying to anticipate is how to work on making a community once we get there. My word for 2013 is community. I chose it, then realized that we'll be leaving the closest thing to community we've had, halfway through the year. How do you create the feeling of community? I plan to spend time at the park, the beach, go to the same farmers' market and grocery store, enroll Lu'au in school, join a halau, find a church, join a small group.
I'm excited to join a virtual book club and read Daring Greatly. I want to learn to be vulnerable, but I need to figure out how to do that while making a huge transition. Here goes nothing.
We had been in Hilo, on the Big Island (the Island of Hawai'i) before, and this time will be in Honolulu, on the island of O'ahu (the one with Waikiki and Pearl Harbor).
I'm really excited. It's far from family :( It has a lot of accompanying paperwork :( and has a lot of natural disasters that could happen :( But I think it'll be really good for us. Plus, the job for Hubby will be better both career-wise and work-life-wise (that is military speak for it might have semi-regular hours).
But what to do now? It feels too early to do many goodbyes - to friends, to experiences, to even winter for a month or two... It is too early to look for rental houses, any available now most likely won't be available later. We are hoping to live on one part of the island, so I'm wondering if I should start researching preschools in the area and hula schools and churches. Cough, I might already know where the nearest Starbucks is, cough. But if we don't live there, we could live 45 minutes away. Do I just make up spreadsheets of various scenarios? You know, in my free time?
Well, I suppose now I'll just work on the paperwork for the kids and I - we're known as DEPENDENTS in the military. Gee, thanks, military. And I'll try to figure out when to ship out our car (it'll take 30ish days?), and when to have the movers come and pack up our stuff (probably will take 30 days too?). I have never minded moving in the past. Hubs and I have lived out of suitcases for 6 weeks before without batting an eye. But this move is different. WE HAVE TWO KIDS. Lu'au asks us every day if "the men (aka movers) will take her beach shovel and sand toys to Hawai'i" or if we'll take her bed, her dresser, her dollhouse, her walls, her room... and I sometimes wonder if we're crazy. Then again, if we have to move, it might as well be to Hawai'i, right?
One thing I'm also trying to anticipate is how to work on making a community once we get there. My word for 2013 is community. I chose it, then realized that we'll be leaving the closest thing to community we've had, halfway through the year. How do you create the feeling of community? I plan to spend time at the park, the beach, go to the same farmers' market and grocery store, enroll Lu'au in school, join a halau, find a church, join a small group.
I'm excited to join a virtual book club and read Daring Greatly. I want to learn to be vulnerable, but I need to figure out how to do that while making a huge transition. Here goes nothing.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Waiting
It seems to be a season of waiting. For military folks, now is often the time we wait on orders. Or wait for a loved one to come back from a deployment. For others, it's news about an adoption. Still others are anxiously waiting to get pregnant or for a child to be born. It seems like a lot of my friends are waiting on something.
We're waiting for orders. Well, we know where we're going, but we're waiting until it's official. We put in our request back in September, and heard back late January where it would be. Now we're waiting again until we get our paper orders. And each step is taking longer than we had anticipated.
We've been here 4 years. Two years into our assignment, my dear friend moved away. To Oklahoma. We were kind of hoping that we'd be restationed soon after that. I kind of had it in my mind to "coast" a little, and not invest energy into making more friends, if we were just going to be leaving anyway. Well, that didn't happen. God kept placing people into my path who needed to be there (none quite as wonderful as my dear Oklahoma friend, but it definitely seemed as he deliberately said not to give up on living life here). Friends seem to pop up and move away, but God never seems to let me just coast until the end.
Just today I had thought to myself that this place is kind of ugly in the winters. And just a few hours later, on the way back from the commissary, I crossed the Potomac River and the sun was shining over the glistening water. It was beautiful. And I knew that I am not supposed to sell my time here short.
Waiting in expectation for the next thing and being content where you are at the time seem to be at odds. Do they have to be? Can you hold both attitudes at the same time?
We're waiting for orders. Well, we know where we're going, but we're waiting until it's official. We put in our request back in September, and heard back late January where it would be. Now we're waiting again until we get our paper orders. And each step is taking longer than we had anticipated.
We've been here 4 years. Two years into our assignment, my dear friend moved away. To Oklahoma. We were kind of hoping that we'd be restationed soon after that. I kind of had it in my mind to "coast" a little, and not invest energy into making more friends, if we were just going to be leaving anyway. Well, that didn't happen. God kept placing people into my path who needed to be there (none quite as wonderful as my dear Oklahoma friend, but it definitely seemed as he deliberately said not to give up on living life here). Friends seem to pop up and move away, but God never seems to let me just coast until the end.
Just today I had thought to myself that this place is kind of ugly in the winters. And just a few hours later, on the way back from the commissary, I crossed the Potomac River and the sun was shining over the glistening water. It was beautiful. And I knew that I am not supposed to sell my time here short.
Waiting in expectation for the next thing and being content where you are at the time seem to be at odds. Do they have to be? Can you hold both attitudes at the same time?
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